There isn't a time, day or moment when I'm not thinking about cancer. Honestly, it's the things that go along with cancer.
- How I'm feeling today?
- Whether my meds are making me nauseated.
- Did I take my medications?
- How many times do I have to go to the doctor this month?
- Ugh, I'm starting maintenance therapy (low-dose chemotherapy) for at least a year.
- And, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, will the cancer come back?
It's just a glimpse into my thoughts about getting life back to normal. There's the thing of processing each thought, categorizing it and coming up with a solution or some type of peace with it. It's a matter of seeing any change that should be permanent.
You know when you're working on something about yourself and you're making progress then something interrupts your progress? Something angers you. Upsets you. There's always something... then you feel like you need to start all over again.
When you have - or have had - cancer you don't want to start over again each time you hit a bump. It's kind of different when you're in the midst of treatment, but after treatment and recovery life takes on a new perspective. I am beginning to think that the change, the difference, means you must - I must - begin anew.
To begin anew doesn't have to be change everything about your life like what you do for a living, what you wear and what you want from life. And, on the other hand, for some it may mean just that. You may not feel that you want to live in the same place or do the same things. That's why some survivors start running marathons, working with cancer organizations or dedicating their lives to helping others. Their lives take on new meaning.
Is that the reason I don't feel like my life is normalizing? There is no way to figure it out right away and certainly no way I can rush the progress. All, I do know is that life after treatment still means living one day at a time.
I'll continue with my cancer journal entries because I think they help others as much as they help me. One day, hopefully sooner than later, I'll feel some type of peace, belonging and all around good tidings.
What about your life do you feel can use some normalizing?