|(c) CraigCreative '12|
As I lay about, sometimes too annoyed to do anything and too lazy to do something else, I daydream about love and life. I realize on some level I absolutely adore living alone - without children - and wonder if I want a live-in male companion or "just" a nearby male companion/friend/love; you know what I mean. I'm looking forward to the empty nest and enjoying my granddaughter (and - wow! - any other grandchildren I may have then) when she visits as well as not scheduling my life around my children. I'm looking forward to not having this feeling of dread that I'm failing at my current job. You know the one: Parenting. My two middle children had perfect attendance. My youngest has a project due today. They should have been home in time to catch up on sleep as well as get back on schedule and routine to begin their week in a structured way. I know, it's not my fault they aren't in school today or are traveling when they should be home, but I'm the responsible mom.
While I watch another movie, a show's marathon (Castle, Flashpoint, CSI: Miami, Criminal Minds) or something else On Demand, I glance out my window at the fall-colored leaves and imagine an impromptu drive up 75N to visit friends and families in other states. The trees remind me of driving the highways at home. If I had the money, and only had myself to worry about, I could stay as long as I wish. Or I could hop on a plane and enjoy a vacay in the Caribbean, on an Hawaiian island or at a Jamaican resort.
If it weren't for the television and daydreaming, it wouldn't take me entire days to wash, dry, sort and put away laundry, or to iron and hang uniforms. I eat breakfast at noon, lunch at 4 or so and then I remember to eat dinner before I go to bed. It sounds like the life, but it's the life of one who steals in moments between down in the dumps, laziness and relaxing. I plan to go out, but I normally don't. I don't want to do any random shopping; I've already spent three days not writing my shopping list and organizing my coupons. There's something about holding in my annoyance and anger regarding my continued disappointment in this co-parenting situation or any situation ... it puts me into an inactive and sometimes semi-inactive mode. Then it results in a lot of introspective moments. Mini daydreams. Thousands of thoughts. The same hopes and wishes... unrealized - the ones so hard to let go.
Here I sit again with the television still booming, the pile of clean laundry growing and this post still unfinished. I've been writing it since the sun was high in the sky. There's something missing, a thought brewing under the murkiness that I'm aware of, but one I'm not sure I fully want to reveal. It's sorta here, mixed in with everything else but it's one of those things people think they should placate you on. There are no true answers, I suppose, and the "it will come in time" or other answers of those type that most people like to hear for themselves only aggravate me.
I've learned that's one thing that bugs me about a couple of people who hold very high positions in my life. I made a decision long ago to keep most of my personal business to myself when it comes to them. They don't understand my perspective, beliefs or me as a person. They respond from their paths and pasts, which aren't similar and there is no way to understand in a "walked a mile in your moccasins" kind of way. They speak only from faith. Now before you stop reading and rush to comment, hear me out. Speaking only from faith does not connect you as a person - you must connect with people where they are. Believe it or not, I know of what I speak. Not only was I "raised in church," but I was a believer who shared her testimonies and encouraged people through my words and actions. I never preached.
There's a point in all of this somewhere. Actually, there is more than one point. My brain is full of thoughts I wish I could get out of my head and into action. If I could get into action I think some of my dreams, hopes and wishes would come true. Some of those hopes and wishes are tied to love; yes, the love I want from a man and the love I want to give. I'm looking forward to the empty nest, but I'm committed to doing right by my children. I'm aggravated by the roadblocks co-parenting puts in the way of (some... it seems like a lot) of the good things I teach my children.
Ahhh, here it is: I just want my perfect life. Not the perfect life, not a perfect life, my perfect life. *nodding*