Monday, September 5, 2011

All me… top to bottom

When I started this post the title was “Just me, about me, what’s up with me,” but all I saw was “me me me.” Yea, this is about me, about my thoughts, feelings, happenings… It’s about trying to get pass this blockage going on in my brain particularly the part that’s controlling mood and creativity. The part that’s stuck on the way people talk to me and what they say. The part that beats myself up and that’s too tired to do any of the one thousand things that are on my to-do list.

I’ve been thinking about you. Yes, you – those who read my blog. I’ve neglected you somewhat, but it isn’t on purpose. It’s being consumed by my life and my brain. The same brain that fuels me to write, create and share has also been hindering the progress of my days. I sit and click and read and comment… I know what I need to write, but what I want to write is somehow stuck. It’s stuck between my muse (closer to her than to me), my brain (that seems to be filled with everything but creativity), my heart and my fingers.

Maybe if I start from the top and list everything I think, feel… everything that happens or has happens. Maybe if I reveal and open myself up here it will help the flow…. my flow.

Let’s see…

DSCF5721 My hair – I know I’ve mentioned my love/hate relationship with my hair before, but I think I’m going to take a love perspective from now on. (Wish me luck with that one.) Remember I was natural for about 12 or 13 years. It began with growing my relaxer out in the late 90s, locking for 11 years (they were to my waist), then combing those out and wearing puffs, twists and braids. I was so unsatisfied with that style ‘cause it was super extra work in the morning and I DO NOT like fooling with my hair. I relaxed about three months ago and loved it up until a few weeks ago. I honestly think some of my meds are causing my hair to fall out even more. So, I’ve been watching a cute young lady on YouTube style her beautifully long natural hair and I have new enthusiasm for it AND I joined a natural hair community.

DSCF5713My face – Love it! I still look young (although I can see the aging going on), but my eyebrows need some major attention… and I need to get to the dentist ASAP.

My body – VISUALLY: I desire to strengthen my core so my extra four-baby-having skin will suck in a little… uh, a lot! Other than that I don’t think I’m interested in losing as much weight as I thought I was. I could lose some inches though… Thighs, waist, arms…. and tighten the booty. Do you want to know the real reason I don’t want to lose a lot of weight? ‘Cause I am loving my BOOBS! I’ve never had such great boobs in all my days – unless pregnant. Usually when I lose weight the boobies shrink a little. *HEE*… Ahem! PHYSICALLY: Over the past few weeks or so I haven’t felt that well. A lot of weakness in my legs and exhaustion. More pain than usual. It could be that the start of the school year is having a negative affect on my already shaky health or that things are getting worse. I’ve tried resting as much as I can. The worse part is not being able to work and accomplish everything I need to.

My heart – This heart thing is always an issue and it takes up too much of my brain. I finally got over the pain of the most recent devastating experience and went out on a few dates hoping to meet some relationship candidates. They weren’t a total waste of time. There’s the one guy who is interested, but never has time. There’s the guy who is (was?) way too interested and lives three hours away by plane, but a recent conversation with him took a bad turn. At least for me. I inadvertently hurt his feelings by being honest. I wasn’t mean or rude, but his response – so to speak – was to hurt me in return by throwing some things back in my face and justifying it by saying I hurt his feelings. Not only was he mean, but his words were untrue or unfair. I really don’t like being misunderstood and I absolutely don’t put up with someone hurting me in return just because they’re hurt. It’s inexcusable. For me, a deal breaker.

In other areas… My home: Organizing and decorating are going really well. I’m excited and happy by the results and progress. My finances: Finally recovering from the devastation of the things I allowed during my failed marriage. I’m even excited about that, which includes some additional income and that’s always positive. My children: Sigh…. they keep me busy and crazy in all their adorably wonderful antics.

DSCF5782What plagues me then because none of these things seem to be bothering me that deeply? Being behind on writing, reviews and work? Running out of time each day to get things done? Not liking to go to bed alone so often? Hey, don’t judge me. Seems like I stay in a serious peak… and that’s all I’m going to say about that. Well, I will say that I’m continually surprised by that because I often feel so terribly, but it seems like that physical activity erases (delays? smothers?) the pains in my body and is replaced by… uh… euphoria. *chuckle*

Well, you’re all updated and I’m still no closer to feeling creative… I’m a little amused right now and feel a little freer so maybe that’ll lead to some flow and creativity. Wish me luck…