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Sunday, May 30, 2010

Inside my mind

Sometimes when I sit and let my mind wander I end up in places I don’t want to be. I’ll remember the phone calls that I need to make or the paperwork that has went undone. A deadline I am avoiding suddenly pops by as soon as the drowsiness touches me. A conversation I want to have bugs me and the reasons I haven’t had it irks me. Not getting my point across and still wanting to do it. Wanting to be there for everyone’s event, birthday; wanting to plan every party and cookout; wanting to be apart of a larger circle of true friends… Wanting more.

It’s the random thoughts that sometimes bring on a frown as I try to figure out a solution. Do I feel like crying? Exercising? Laughing? Staying up late? Asking someone for help? What in the world is the solution?

What about the things I’ve worked so hard at that make the work I’ve done seem irrelevant? The official court documents that don’t make a difference. The disregard others have for anyone but themselves.

image Then there’s a corner of my brain that wants the runaway plan. An entire day at the movies. A vacation I can’t plan or afford. A weekend trip that I want to take. Children to share with my long-distance relatives.

More thoughts lurk as I try to anticipate what people are thinking, what people are needing, what they are wanting… It’s those that are important to me that worry me. Concern me. Make me think and wish I could do something for them.

It’s all of that and more. It’s not being able to articulate to you exactly what I’m thinking. It’s not wanting to reveal, to complain, to vent… I guess I just need to release. Maybe the release will come in a journal entry, the necklace I’m making, spending time with BF and my children, the book I’m reading… maybe it’ll come in something bigger: writing a book, taking a vacation, making a difference in life and in this world…

Maybe my brain is so caught up in everything that I have to do that it’s feeling the stress of the jumble. The lack of time to complete everything and find a solution. Maybe I’ve lost confidence in myself to do anything, but stay within my mind.

What’s on your mind?

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