I was fine. Really I was. I mean I had a lot to do, but I have been kind of plugging along through my day. Ignoring any pain (more about that another time), avoiding any negative thoughts... you know, just a regular day. My son got off of the bus, we jumped in the van to pick up my middle daughter, chatted at head start for a minute, went to get little Miss Toddler and came home.
About 10 minutes into them being home my nerves were grated. Okay, what's the deal, I thought, they've been with their father since Friday evening so I should be all zenned out. I had a chance to relax, sleep, veg, nibble, watch television, work and everything else I can think of without interruption. I didn't have to get up early to fix anyone anything to eat and slept until I forced myself to shuffle out of the bed.
Then why do I have the "OMG I can't wait 'til his weekend" feeling when I have 13 days until it arrives?
The feelings of irritation magnified when I discovered that my transportation/help/ride/support for the liver biopsy on Wednesday is up in the air and/or non-existent. I guess everyone has valid reasons, but once again I am left on my own for something important. I was already nervous enough about the biopsy and then to know that now I'm scrabbling to find and way to and fro has really set me on edge.
The ride I have semi-arranged (I say semi 'cause it seems as if he'll forget or something: "Let me call you back after I help my son play Wii.") can't stay there with me. I'll have to go about an hour or two early and may have to wait an hour or so after, and he won't be able to stay... I don't know if someone will be allowed to sit with me while they do the biopsy, but I think I'll be awake and the last time I had bone marrow taken my then boyfriend (now my ex-husband) sat next to me and held my hand. So even if that ride comes through it sounds like a painful, lonely experience.
With all of this weighing on me I have an urge to "fix it" with a little emotional eating. (You're thinking, "Ahhh... now I get it...," right?) All I want now is some Peanut M&M's and a couple of Peppermint Patties. Mmmm... that would make all my troubles go away.
Well, it would give me a few minutes of pleasure and the ability to forget anything while I feel the cool sensation and experience the nut... hmmm? Now that gives me other ideas. ;)
6 folks a chattin':
hey you stoppin in to let ya know I still breathe,,,,
Oh, Petula, I'm so sorry. I wish I was there to make it better. I'd give you a ride, hold your hand, and then take you out for some lunch afterward. Know that I'll be there holding your hand mentally, my friend. :)
Hey Petula,
Peppermint Patties and Peanut M&Ms are great escapes (albeit temporary). Perhaps as you indulge in each bite, you can close your eyes and envision the ride that you want, the person that you need to stay by your side, and the comfort you need to get you through your journey to well-being. Let each chocolatey bite, fill you with such good sensation, as you envision, that the deliciousness of the candy becomes the deliciousness of the experience.
Envisioning is what I do, to create alternate realities that really do exist and serve ME! Try it hun....chocolate is a good start :)
I wish I were there to give you a ride, sit with you, and give you the support you want and deserve! My thoughts and prayers will be with you!
Guilty pleasures, huh?
I think I'd sit with you as well, but I'm sure there will be someone allowed. I imagine it's tough trying not to be nervous and irritated during such a time. I'd be the same. But I would also want others to help remind me that I am a strong person and have absolutely nothing to worry about.
I'll have some peanut m&m's with you!
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