Saturday, January 2, 2010

Finding, releasing fears

Getting to know, care for and better myself is an ongoing theme for me, but as I begin this new year I am determined to take serious stock of some of my "issues." To make a marked improvement in who I am as a woman. I'll delve into the negative, the positive, the scary... feelings, likes, dislikes, deep-seeded whatchamacallits and all of that. The result, I am hoping, will be the woman who I've always wanted to be and that will filter over into being the mother and being that ... well, that satisfies me. I'm not going to say to be a person that meets XYZ expectations or reaches some specific goal and I am going to avoid being too hard on myself. I think the self realization I'm seeking will improve my business, emotions, health, self esteem and my world as a whole.

One of the things that hit me in the face most recently is my fear of abandonment and rejection. Gosh, just telling that to someone else (like the whole entire virtual world) makes my heart thump. Of course no one likes that, but not everyone has a deep-seeded fear of it.

I guess beginning from the past and working up to the present would make this easier to relay: My father died when I was 10 years old so I think this was the event that unknowingly to me caused an unconscious fear. As a young adult, I was what I label as abandoned and eventually rejected by my first love. Repeatedly. (Dummy me.) I've also experienced sudden abandonment where I was seeing someone who one day told me he loved me and the very next day (no exaggeration) fell off the face of the earth.
Image was found at http://collegeperspective.files.wordpress.com through Google Images

Note: Those are the only three instances I care to share. With 41 years behind me there isn't enough time, space or brain power to include every instance of rejection in my business and personal life. Trust me... they're are more. Unfortunately.

In each of those instances, I've experienced the most intense feelings of distress and loss. The pain of it runs so deep that my eyes still well with tears. In the last two circumstances, I went through anger that they would do that to me, grief that it happened, fear that something happened to them and back to grief. Oh.my.God.the.grief. It's a weight and it's like I still pull it behind me to do this day.

The grief swirls around me and turns my uncertainty or displeasure in certain situations into fear of being abandoned. It isn't a strong feeling when, for example, my daughter goes out for most of the day leaving me to "fend" for myself or my best friends get busy with life and don't get a chance to talk to me. I have grown to trust them exponentially so I know that they won't just leave me... that does not - sometimes - alleviate the fear that something happened to them. But then I just know that my imagination is running wild and I send a text message or get a brief hello for comfort. Then I am okay. There are only about five people IRL, maybe less, who I trust not to just abandon me.

It becomes a problem when I meet someone new. Yea, a man. If we talk on the phone and maybe go out or something then I don't hear from him, I have to talk myself into not assuming I've been dumped or that he didn't like me. I have to remind myself that people get busy. No, they may not be with someone else or they may be with someone and it's okay. They probably weren't in a fatal accident and on and on and on.

I often joke that I need to take my imagination and brain power to finish writing my books. Put all of that energy into something constructive like organizing my home or painting a room. Well, although that might be true, I still have to address this. I'm addressing it within myself, but how do I address it with other people? The temporary abandonment of not calling me or checking on me causes me to shut down. It causes me stress. So, if they (for instance, the guy) call me back a week later or even a few days, I may not be as receptive. Protecting myself from the up and down emotions of my fears.

Does any of this make sense?


The walls I build around myself and around my heart specifically are firmly in place. The problem with that is when they're in place then there's no opening up, no revelations, no sharing of feelings or releasing and feeling love. Maybe I'm dealing with two entirely different situations: fear of rejection and abandonment and .... hmmm... something to do with love and feelings. I'll save that thought for another day. One thing at a time is all I can deal with.

So... don't you want to help me get over my fears? In that case, leave me a comment so I know you were here. (Yea, that was a dirty trick.) Thanks for listening to me ...