Life... Health... Reviews...

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Mental and physical health

I'm feeling a little tense and I have been for a few days now. Despite the immensely satisfying relaxation, goofing off and time spent with my oldest daughter, a few things have been lurking around in my mind. Plaguing my subconscious. Maybe getting them off of my chest will help.

  • Money issues including budget and bills.
  • Money issues including income.
  • Relationship thoughts including liking and not liking.
  • Relationship thoughts including wanting...
  • Home maintenance concerns.
  • Vehicle dilemmas.
  • Changes in the new year.
  • Self improvements.
  • Organizing, minimizing and efficiency of my home and processes.
  • Medical stuff.
Ahhh... medical stuff. Yes, this is my health and weight loss journal.

I normally post my health and weight loss journal on Tuesdays and if I don't get a chance to do it I save it for the next week. I'm not going to do that this time. I figure it's my blog (and my world: Check the name!) and I can do what I want to, right? Yup.

Today I had a follow up appointment with the GI, which I fondly call the tummy doctor (elementary, but effective), and my blood tests have not revealed anything new. One would say that is good news, right? Well, kind of. You see for quite a few years now they've been trying to figure out why my liver enzymes are elevated. Every once in awhile the levels go down some, but not to normal and then they rise again.

I've always posed the question, "What does this mean long term? I mean, I only have one liver."

No one has had an answer. The key may be in the lupus strain... uh, you know, the sjogren's disease, but they just aren't sure. So, today I had more blood work taken - a ton - and the request was put in for me to get a liver biopsy.

I actually said that to the doctor. Her response? It isn't.

The worse part, she said, was the actual numbing process. She explained the possible risks, which aren't pretty at all: Possible piercing of lung, excessive bleeding, extreme pain and accidental biopsy of gall bladder. Luckily, I don't have a gall bladder! It's an outpatient procedure and afterward I'll have to be monitored for four to six hours before I can be released. I consented to do it.

I think if it was a kidney or something, I may have passed. But this is such an unknown. The problem - so to speak - is this is somewhat of a last resort. If they don't find anything then I have a condition of an undetermined nature. I've had ultrasounds, tons and tons of blood work and a variety of other tests. It would be nice to have a reason, an explanation.

Maybe my chronic pain has something to do with my liver. Maybe the sjogren's is the problem. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe... Maybe one day I'll feel normal. More like be normal. Yes, that's it. Maybe one day I'll be normal. I'll wake up one day, fix myself breakfast and go about my day without popping five pills. I'll get through the rest of the day without the next three and before I go to bed I won't need the last four or so.

I won't have to worry what I'll feel like if I sit too long or stand too long or walk too long. There will be no looming threat of "attacks" or days of forced inactivity. There won't be any concern about whether I sleep well. I won't wonder if I'll fall asleep on my own or if my mood is because I forgot to take a pill. I won't have to think about what type of damage my stomach is enduring, or any of my other organs, as a result of all the medications. The mysterious pain in my thigh won't come and go, and I won't feel like I have to explain when I don't feel well just because I look just fine. I won't think that every twinge, every jab, every hurt has something to do with my liver, my fibro, my sjogren's.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not necessarily upset. I'm just... pensive? Frustrated? Concerned? I don't know what I am. I'd like to not have one other thing rolling around in my head that I have to think about, consider, schedule, concern myself with. Being a single mother of four children and a self-employed freelancer is enough to take up the majority of my brain power.

It's brain power I could be using to finish my books. Develop my inventions. Learn more effective marketing techniques. Work toward another degree. Get my feminine powers to work more effectively.

Yea, you read that correctly.

It's power that I can be using to come up with the ultimate and complete organization system for my home office that doesn't involve spending one thin dime. I know, wishful thinking.

Somehow something good has to come of this, right? Uh... right? Somehow this experience, my experiences, will make me a better person, help someone else, teach me something... I really want to think this is okay. Instead of the thought that this problem has already been determined the cause of my demise. Maybe not today. Tomorrow. Ten years. 50 years. But with it hanging over my head - looming high above - it's a knowledge I could do without.

So, yea, I'm getting it off of my chest. Sharing it with you here and hoping you understand where I'm coming from. Hoping that this release will lift the weight off my shoulders. Just for now. Today... Tonight, I can be normal.
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