My attitude today - mostly this afternoon - is somewhat... well, uh, stank! My two youngest daughters have been with me all day (they had doctor's appointments) and my son came home from school all too quickly. He was filled with the wiggles and his loud button was turned on. It only served to further my grumpiness.
I'm tired, drowsy, sore and just downright needing to concentrate without the background noise of children. My head is hurting and there are tons of things I need to do, think about and deal with. As most of you know, doing so with children around can be trying. When you're not in the best of health or feeling under the weather it makes tasks a little difficult.
The whining, crying, talking, noisiness, repeating myself, asking for stuff - it is all distracting me from what I'm trying to concentrate on. It's tough getting past thoughts of my recent diagnosis and the way I feel mentally and physically to get anything done, but add to that three children 5 and under and it seems nearly impossible.
So, as I sat down to attempt to write what's fueling me this week the only thing I could think of was that my life is fueling me. Although I want to - and often must - stop and rest; even though the floor still needs to be mopped and the laundry put away (tasks I just haven't had the strength for) I still want to blog, write and make money. There are times every single day that I want to give up, but my desire to do this and to do more is pushing me.
I guess if I didn't care it wouldn't be necessary to be irritated about it. It wouldn't make a big deal if the children kept distracting me 'cause I would just get down on the floor or focus all of my attention on what they're doing instead of trying to get anything done. If my life wasn't pushing me to do something different so I can have something different then I wouldn't worry about trying to organize, straighten, clean, do homework, fix dinner and the one million trillion bazillion things that need to be done.
That must mean that although I'm feeling so far removed from creativity that I can still dig somewhere deep down inside and find something that keeps me going. There must be a glimmer, a spark (Maternal Spark? :D) or something simmering. If I could only reach it then maybe my irritation would pass. As soon as I get my fingers on it the doggone little thing just slips right on by. It passes through my fingers like the fine grains of white sand. It seems as distance as the furthest star.
But I guess I have to go after it. My closest friends keep telling me to go after. My wonderful blogging family keeps pushing me to go after it. And, as I focus on that distance goal I think I want to keep going. For a moment, the irritation lifts and I get a clarity that only peace can bring. Now, if only my youngest child would stop whining to eat (it's not my fault she refused to finish her lunch!) then maybe I could grasp - for just a second - what I'm longing for.
Don't let her cute face and darling smile fool you; it's tough to catch her on
camera being naughty. She smiles automatically regardless of what
she's doing or how she's acting. It's a conspiracy against her mother!