Life... Health... Reviews...

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Inside my head

Everyone has their own way of doing things, their own way of feeling and their own way of reacting, but not everyone understands another person's ways. That misunderstanding can be painful. I mean, it's not that they have to agree but can they at least say, "I understand." Is it just me who yearns for... I guess it's acceptance in all areas? As a matter of fact, I think there's some Facebook quiz that I took recently, which said that I long for acceptance. Unfortunately, that's true.

There's one thing that I've learned about creative people - of which I am one. And it is that we're a sensitive bunch. We feel stuff deeply, often uniquely from the average person. An overly logical person (and those who are judgemental, critical or no nonsense) will often frown in confusion at our thought patterns. A lot of creative people fight the urge to express something and they search for the words to get it right. To speak it in an English that everyone will understand. If you don't ask them they may not tell you. It'll just simmer inside and burst out in the form of a poem, prose, a drawing, painting, model, mold, photo... or whatever medium they're favoring at the time.

Years ago I composed poetry that would often hint at my innermost thoughts. It was my outlet of choice. Now, for some reason, my poetry muse has moved on. Maybe because I have more words to use and more confidence to use them (sometimes). But there are some thoughts and feelings that I keep to myself because they're birthed of fear, uncertainty and the lack of confidence in myself, my abilities, my future and my world.

I try to bury the feelings where no one can find them, but they come out at the most inopportune times. I fear that those feelings, if I don't find a cure for them or come to terms with them, will cause me to lose something that is important to me. And, I don't think I can lose anything else. I just want to come up with some idea, some solution that will make a lose of this thing impossible.

Being unwell is so affecting my emotions. It's so uncontrollable that it makes understanding me difficult. It makes the thoughts that ramble around in my head difficult to share and explain. I have my own way of doing things, my own way of feeling and my own way of reacting... In all of my creative, misunderstood idiosyncrasies and thoughts. I just hope that I and all that comes with me is accepted. Simply embraced, respected and loved. Right now, I think that's all that I need.
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