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Saturday, May 2, 2009

Stalker fueled clarification

Off My Chest

I'm not sure if you remember when I told you about the regular
posting schedule I planned on doing. I've been a little lazy with it and have decided to revamp a little. I'll still do Monday's Muse (that's a weekly favorite of mine brought to you by Maternal Spark), My Health and Weight Loss Journal and On the Woman's Bookshelf. There was also a weekly column called In this woman's world that I've written a few times. The new column, which I'll write instead of In This Woman's World, will be replaced by a periodic one called Off My Chest. I'll warn you now that Off My Chest may sometimes be used for a little venting, but I'm hoping it'll be a chance to get some thoughts out of my head, off of my chest and some emotional release as well as your valuable feedback. And, as you know, there are a lot times when writing something out gives you a new perspective or revelation. So, without further ado and anymore usage of tired cliches, I introduce the first installment of Off My Chest.

Recently, I had a very futile argument with someone who said to me, "I don't believe anything you say ... Everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie." To say that I was shocked, by such a blatant attack of my character, is putting it mildly. Add to that the fact that it was a blanket ... all encompassing ... statement reeks of untruth itself.

I now find it unnecessary and an extreme waste of my time to have any conversation with this person. I also find it frustrating to talk to someone who is going to tell me what I meant by something I said or wrote. If I mis-spoke, wrote something incorrectly or it was interpreted incorrectly that does not mean I am lying. And because I have been so bothered over the past three days or so by the angry exchange I had to write about it.


Case in point:

I wrote a very long post (Betrayal, disrespect, rejection & disappointment) on November 14th, which this person read. Know who I'm talking about now? And it talked my first love who I'm still occasionally in contact with, what my soon-to-be ex husband was up to and my random thoughts about how I felt regarding all of that.

This person said I wrote that I want to move back to Maryland to be with my first love. Although I know it didn't say that I went back to read it for myself.

When I mentioned to him (awhile back) that I may be moving he said, "I'm gonna need you to stay in Georgia." If I ask him why then he doesn't really give a reason just says he wants me to stay. There is absolutely no reason for me to be here. I have no one in Georgia, outside of my children, that gives one damn about me.

Although I didn't specifically write this, but the reason I "may be moving" was because of my financial situation and I didn't think I would be able to hold onto my house. That, I believe, I have also written about in the past.

My blog stalker also told me that I am upset that he's moved on because who I wanted to be with didn't work out. Hmmm? Really? Because this is what I wrote:

I know you wouldn't know it from reading this, but I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship and... well, it's complicated.
Now maybe I didn't word that correctly or use enough information, but I wasn't trying to work on a relationship with anyone. I went out a few times with an old friend, who is also my first love, and IN MY MIND I thought about what it would be like (IN THE FUTURE .... VERY VERY VERY FAR FUTURE...) to have the Oprah-like ending. It's just a fantasy. Last I checked that is pretty normal.

The clincher for him was the fact that I wrote:

Today, I call a friend of mine that I've known for 26 years. More than half of my life. I really wouldn't call him a friend, but I don't have another word for him besides my first love. Yup, 26 years later I am still in love with the man.

That's the truth. I'm not sure about anyone else, but I don't think it's odd to be still in love with your first love. He said something like, "It's obvious you were in love with him during our marriage."

"Yea," I said, "but that doesn't mean I didn't love you. I committed to you." Well, I'm sure you know that didn't go over well.

I don't think there's anywhere in my post that I said everything I've thought and felt is right, but I've never acted on anything that I've thought. I didn't say that I'm perfect and I didn't blame anyone for anything. Oh, why did I say that? Because apparently I don't look at myself ... I am busy looking at someone else's wrongs.

That's like a slap in the face. I'm not sure that you know this about me, but I am extremely hard on myself. I believe, although I didn't do anything to cause the actual break up of the marriage, that I failed in the marriage. (On a side note, I did make the final decision not to work on the marriage and if you feel like searching my blog you'll probably find the reason why.) I believe so many negative things about myself and have tried extremely hard to be a better person as a result of this situation. I took a DivorceCare class, which helps the individual taking it to deal with everything going on in the situation. I read... I...

You know what? It's no use listing what I do... it's not going to make any difference to someone who hates me and thinks I'm a terrible person. I've invited comments so you can hear a portion of the other side, but that idea was shot down.

What dawned on me after this exchange was that I fell for the same thing I recently told a blogging friend not to do with her ex: Keep going back and forth. Isn't it funny how you give good advice to someone else, but when you're put into that exact position you forget all about the advice?

Let me know what you think - I value your opinion. And, please don't hold it against me if I didn't word something correctly or omitted something. A simple question to clarify is all that's needed. I'm preaching to the choir, right?

Forgive me for writing such an extremely long post... that's just a little something I needed to get Off My Chest.
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