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Friday, January 9, 2009

Friendship vs. Oneship

In this Woman's World

I don't know if you've had the "friendship conversation" with anyone who you consider to be a real friend. You talk to them because you know they'll understand and offer their point of view. You share with them about how you don't understand the way some people are and how they don't give to the friendship.

You give an example of a situation with another person so they can get an idea of what you're talking about. (Because if you talked to the person you have a oneship with most likely they won't get your point.) And, if you're like me, then you say, "Well, that's not what I consider a friendship."

Today, something dawned on me. Friendship is when both people get what they want from the relationship. Oneship is a one-sided relationship where one person dictates what they want from the relationship without giving anything back or contributing anything that the other person wants, and - this is the worse part - they don't even care what the other person wants.

A oneship isn't a friendship because none of the other person's needs are met.

You may be wondering why I don't just call that an acquaintance. I don't call it that because when you have an acquaintance it's someone who you basically treat like they treat you, and you don't want anymore from the relationship. You may call to say hello, see each other out and about, but don't put any extra care and concern into the relationship. That type of relationship takes little energy and you may not even think about the person unless you see them.

Well, what do you do when you want something more from the person who you're in a oneship with? For instance, you have a girlfriend who you're always inviting places, but she doesn't recipocate. Or you're a single mother of three who continues to check up on and offer assitance to another single mother, but she never returns the favor. I could give more examples, but you get the point.

I was in a similar situation and I tried to explain to the person that I wanted more from the relationship, but they gave all of their reasons why they liked it the way it was. So I made a choice to stop "putting myself out there." I mean if I'm dissatisfied why should I be the one to sacrifice? A relationship - almost any relationship - is a give and take/a compromise.

They insisted that we are friends, but I disagree. I think that if you truly care about someone and you consider them a friend then their needs in the relationship are important. What do you think?

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16 comments

  1. You know, I'm not really conscious about what I want from a friendship, but if I try hard enough to analyze it, I can sorta see it. I 've lost some really good friends and never knew why and I still feel bad about it. One day they were there, the next--gone. No bad words, no big scene. Just gone. I think you are right though, it has to be good for both in order to work out. Maybe that's why friendships change as we change over time. We lose some, get some new ones, keep a few along the way.

    I'm difficult to love and I get that. I treasure the few really close friends who have stayed by me all along. But I find myself not trying as hard anymore now that my daughter is growing up. We do more together and I don't need friends as much anymore. It's hard to be a good friend.

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  2. I loved this post. I drive my hubby crazy with my friendship issues! he doesn't get it, but you get it. I have had friends in the past where, yes, I wanted more and they did not reciprocate. It's hard for me to let go and that has been a lesson for me. It has been about valuing me and my time. Now that i have two kids i am more careful and give time and energy to those friendships that give back.

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  3. I do have certain expectations from a relationship/ friendship. I mean, friendship comes with commitment, be it emotionally or otherwise. What's the use of having a oneship? there's no connection that way, it's just like knowing someone you know from the streets. you talk, you laugh and then you go home without anything attached. er...am I making any sense here? LOL

    it's almost 2am and I hope I am not drifting away from the topic. :)

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  4. I think you understand friendship very well. In a friendship the other persons feelings are important. There is a commitment to being there for your friend. Thats what seperates friends from the random folks you met on the street.

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  5. I completely get what you are saying. I have a friendship and I have a "oneship". Actually, there have been many of these "oneships" in my life. Those are the ones that eventually fall by the wayside and get left behind. I just don't have enough energy to devote to the "someday" friendships that always seem to be about what we will do some day in the future when the other person has time / interest / etc.

    It's hard to walk away from a relationship that you want to work, even when you realize that what you want is not going to be given. But it is best to walk away early because these relationships will never change.

    I wish you strength to look out for yourself and not feel guilty.

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  6. I was a bit confused there with the term oneship, but I began to understand what you mean. Yeah, I think we all have our taste of "oneships". I'd give this kind of people as much as they give me.

    There are still people or "real friends" who deserves more of your time and effort.

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  7. I hear you

    One ship’s stinks, and they end up hurting you. We should brush them off sooner than we do but we don’t because we like, respect and enjoy the company of the other person. Unfortunately the other person doesn’t have the same level of respect for us.

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  8. "if I'm dissatisfied why should I be the one to sacrifice? "

    I agree. I was also in this kind of relationship and I grew tired of it and just stopped trying my best to keep the relationship alive.I deserve better.

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  9. hmmmmmm...........Blessings, i just wrote something along the same lines. There are many modes of friendships. I myself at one point in my life expected all my friendship to follow the true life long sustaining stream. Life has shown me that not all will come this way.
    Interesting piece.
    Have a great week

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  10. You hit the nail on the head with this post. I know exactly what you mean. I had that 'talk' with a friend of over 10 years because it just wasn't working. I was putting much more into it than she was. It was almost like breaking up with a partner.

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  11. Oh honey...I so know what you mean...It happens a lot to me cause to me being friends with someone is what you said:caring, being concerned,hand help...Unfortunately I take it too seriously and quite often my "friends" do not reciprocate...And I get disappointed more then I wish...*big sigh*...I wish we live closer...
    *big hug*
    love ya girl.
    xoxo

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  12. Hey gorgeous!
    Today it's "meet my friends monday" day...
    You might wanna take a look over here!

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  13. I so agree with you. Most people you come across in life only want their needs met. It is a rare gift to find a true friend.

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  14. I'm embarrassed. I drop in how often to drop my EntreCard? And I hadn't read this post until today.

    That's probably a good thing, in light of the way the weekend shaped up for me. Your wisdom is much appreciated and I doubt I would have gotten as much out of it had I taken the time before now.

    I've learned my lesson. You're well worth more than a casual drop.

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  15. Great post Petula!!! You said some great and true things here! Friendships (ones that are more than "casual") require that both people give and give generously because they want to and because they care!

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  16. i have a friend actually that is that always thinks of herself, but then she turned round to me yesterday and said she thinks life is leaving her behind! ... hmmm i wonder why! lol

    I just dont see why friends cant treat us how we treat them. It shouldnt be an expectation it should be natural right!?

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