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Thursday, December 18, 2008

Fighting anxiety

For about the past two hours I have been fighting anxiety. It all started late this morning when I got to the store to buy a few more things for my oldest daughter for Christmas. I had a list of the things I wanted to get including one thing I needed for the house and I only had a certain amount of money to spend.

I started getting a little upset because since I only had a little bit of money I felt pressured (only from myself) to find the perfect gifts. I mean when you have a good amount of spending money you can afford to get a few things they want or that they don't really need, but when there aren't going to be a lot of gifts you want the gifts to be as close to perfect as possible.

Then there were a couple of small things I needed to get for the younger children's stocking stuffers, which ate into the money that I wanted to use for my daughter's gifts. Before I knew it my eyes were watering, my chest was tight and my throat was dry. I concentrated on breathing so I wouldn't break down in the store and hoped that I didn't look too crazy as I wandered around. When I got to the register there were a few things that I wasn't able to get and that disappointed me even more as well as made me feel like a loser.

I know it doesn't seem like a big deal to most people, but for me I feel so inadequate not being able to get my children all the things they need or anything they want. My daughter is a senior in high school and I wanted her last days at home as a child to be filled with ... Well, let's just say I had high expectations for this year.

The looks of disappointment that I imagine will be on my children's faces is overwhelming for me. I somehow have to reconcile what my situation is now with what I thought it would be before my husband and I separated.

Most people like to say, "Everyone is having a rough time now." (Well, except for my BFF who says he understands and is going to help me through this. He sooo rocks!) But it's more than that for me. To get into all the ins and outs would make this post entirely too long and I'm sure you don't want to hear me whine any longer.

I initially started to write this to let you know that I may not be around much today, but it turned into this. I am going to try to get myself together... If I could just get my chest and stomach to stop hurting, if the tears would just go away and if the despair would lift I may just be able to function later today. Right now I'm so busy trying not to break down that I am not accomplishing one thing.
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