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Friday, November 14, 2008

Betrayal, disrespect, rejection & disappointment

In this Woman's World

WARNING: This is really long so please be patient with me. Thanks for reading.

About a month ago I met my husband's girlfriend. Yup, you read that right. It wasn't a planned meeting. The car the future ex drives (I say it like that 'cause it's in my name) broke down on a day he had the children. He called to tell me that I "need" to pick them up 'til he figures out what's wrong with the car.

During our conversation he offhandedly mentioned something about a friend coming to pick him up. It was something about the way he said it that I started to think about after I got off of the phone. A friend, huh? That's what I thought to myself. Interesting, I said.

When I arrived at the location (a Wal-Mart in a nearby town) I called to tell him I was there and he came out with the children, but no one was with him. He buckled the children into the van and I said, "Where's your friend?"

"Huh?"

"Your friend. Where is she? Well, it's a she, right?"

"Yea. Inside."

"Is this someone your dating?"

"Yea, it's been two years. That's why I said we need to get the divorce papers..."

I didn't correct him and let him know that our youngest child isn't even two years old yet. I just said, "This has nothing to do with the divorce papers; this has to do with someone being around the kids. Spending time with the kids and we didn't discuss that."

The last time he and I had a discussion about it it was about me and someone else. I told him that I wouldn't have anyone around the kids and, if so, I'd let him know. I also said, "I don't plan on dating anyone and even if I did they wouldn't be around the kids."

He told me, less than a year ago, "I'm honoring our marriage vows."

Guess he changed his mind.

I was a little hurt and I sat down to evaluate my feelings. Was it because I really wanted him back and to work on our marriage? Nope. So, I guess it was just the simple fact that he had a girlfriend and he was allowing her to spend time with our children when we are still legally married.


And, to make matters worse, the girlfriend came out with an attitude.

I told him. "Why doesn't she come out?"

"What? You wanna meet her?" He said and gave me that challenging look.

"Yea, why not?"

"Right now?" he asked.

"Yup." Oh, before that he said, "Why you sound hostile." I just laughed and said, "Don't make this something it's not. I want to meet someone who's with the kids. This is something we haven't talked about."

So, she comes out with an attitude. Rolling her eyes and couldn't even look me in the face. I tried shaking her hand and she was like a wet fish not wanting to touch me.

AND she's 28! (I found that out later from his mother!... But that's an entirely different story.

I said to her, "I heard you two are wanting to move forward."

"Yea, something like that," she says rolling her eyes.

"I just wanted to meet the person who would be spending time with my kids."

"Oh, I understand," she says with a little attitude in her voice.

I wanted to spit on both of them. But I didn't. I just looked at him.

I think we -- as women -- should really show each other more respect. She doesn't know me, but she does know he's married. Regardless of what he's said about the situation why would she want to be with someone who hasn't finalized a previous relationship? If she'll do it with him, she'll do it to him. Well, that's what Dr. Phil would say.

That, like I said, was several weeks ago.

Today, I call a friend of mine that I've known for 26 years. More than half of my life. I really wouldn't call him a friend, but I don't have another word for him besides my first love.

Yup, 26 years later I am still in love with the man. We've seen each other a couple of times in passing a couple of months ago, went out together about four or five weeks ago and hung out a couple of times about three weeks ago.

I hadn't heard from him in three weeks so I call to say, "What's up? Just wanted to see how you're doing."

I won't bore you with the entire conversation, but when I asked, "What's new?" he told me that he'd been dating someone for the past three weeks.

"Oh." My response was something like that.

I kept my cool fairly well through the rest of the conversation, he was working and couldn't really talk but I told him good luck with that. He said, "We'll talk."

"There's nothing to talk about," I say. What possibly could we have to talk about. For 26 years, minus maybe the first year, he has rejected me and hurt me regardless of whether I've tried to be his friend, lover or anything else in between.

When I mentioned to him (awhile back) that I may be moving he said, "I'm gonna need you to stay in Georgia." If I ask him why then he doesn't really give a reason just says he wants me to stay. There is absolutely no reason for me to be here. I have no one in Georgia, outside of my children, that gives one damn about me.

Even after all of these years his rejection still hurts like hell. I really don't have to be with him in the couple sense of the word, but I do like spending time with him and I enjoy his company. Although, it's possible, that I would like more I would take what I can get. Now, I just give up. After 26 years there's not going to be any Oprah-like story that tells how a couple who fell in love when they were kids married 30 years, two marriages and seven kids later.

There's no happy ending for me. I know my MD BFF (yes, Frankie) who is the absolute best man I've ever met is going to be extremely mad and/or upset to read this. I have a friend in New York (his name is Lewis) that says Frankie is the man I should be with. I know you wouldn't know it from reading this, but I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship and... well, it's complicated.

From now on I'll just concentrate on working to take care of myself and my children as well as maintaining the three healthy, loving friendships that I have. (Frankie, Lewis and my BFF Michael who is Amber's godfather. Well, there's also Patrick, but that's an entirely different story. We're friends, but in a different way.) An-t-way, nothing else and no one else is worth my time. Oh, beside you -- my wonderful blogging friends -- who continue to come by and show me blogging love. Thank you.

I am sorry this is so long and I hope you hung in for the entire episode.

Stay tuned for another In this Woman's World column next week and to read others, click here.
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8 comments

  1. Wow! I think you're a wise woman to not enter a relationship now, you sound confused. I say that because you said you were still in love with someone after 26 years, and who clearly isn't in love with you because he's dating someone else. You also talk about your husband having a girlfriend, and he's still married, so are you.

    It amazes me that someone with a 1 year old is already involved in another relationship. If your mother-in-law knows about her and he has her around the kids, it's serious. He's not hiding her.

    Just remember that everything will work out in its own time and way. When you're not looking or waiting, someone wonderful will enter your life. Make sure you're in a good place when he arrives.

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  2. Ouch. Sounds like you are confused, feeling rejected, and hurt. Tough combo to say the least. Work on being at peace with yourself and all the rest will come with time. Don't get into a relationship just yet--you have a lot of feeling all over the board.

    I wish you peace, Petula.

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  3. I wish we lived close to each other so we could go out for some coffee and talk. I'm here for you if only in emails though. Take care my friend!

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  4. ok I am late very VERY late,,,, I do stop by and check on you but haven't in a bit... I have ot ask,,, I know that you are alone and have small children and your WAY younger then me,,,, so I need to know,, how can an old lady be on her own after 30 years,,, I mean in taking care of ME?????? as in providing for me,,,,, tell me can I? or am I doomed?

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  5. I'm sorry for direction your marriage has taken. Stay positive, true to yourself and your children and all things will work out in the end.

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  6. Petula, you are one strong woman. At least that is the impression I get from reading your post from beginning to end. I'd do something to the woman till she is blue black all over beyond recognition if I were you and teach my husband a lesson that he will never ever forget.


    Keep on being strong and I pray that things will go for the better for you and your children.

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  7. What can I say?!...You're a heck of a lady!I'm not sure if I'd be able to keep it together and not jump on her neck!...
    Girl you deserve much better then this.
    Don't worry.Mr Right is waiting for you somewhere out there.
    You know you can ALWAYS count on me.
    Love ya girl.
    Hugs and kisses.

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  8. Oh Petula, I am sooo sorry you are having to deal with these things!!!

    You seem like such a lovely and caring person who is doing a wonderful job raising her kids. You deserve so much more respect than your ex and this 26 year friend/love are showing you.

    I give you great kudos for the restraint you showed by not poking out girls eyes. As the mother of those kids you have every right to know who will be spending time with them!!!!

    Again I am so sorry and wish I had the right words to make it better!!!

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