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Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Having a regular day…


I’ve been thinking a lot about parents who have terminally or critically ill children. How do they manage? They spend a lot of time at hospitals – sometimes living there for months at a time – and they spend a lot of time at doctors’ offices. This is my sixth week with a sick child and my second week for the hospital (or something like that), and I’m wondering how I should balance it all.

Is there going to be any such thing as a regular day? What I mean is: How much time will pass before I won’t feel guilty for taking a moment to check my e-mail, go through the mail, pay a bill, write a post or whatever mundane, necessary task I must accomplish. Isn’t it selfish of me to sit down and watch television while I feed the baby? I feel like I should be at the hospital at all times.

How in the world do parents continue to hold down full-time jobs or run businesses? Take care of other children? Run errands? I feel guilty taking care of the younger children instead of being at the hospital. I feel guilty when I’m at the hospital and not taking care of the younger children. I’m worried that I’ve missed a bill payment, a phone call, that the house isn’t clean… and as each day passes and my daughter remains at the hospital I’m worried that I’m not doing enough to ensure she’s being well taken care of.

My part-time emotional eating has turned into full-fledged gorging. My running on adrenaline has turned into running on fumes. But, if you look pass that and the fact that my baby is in the hospital I guess it’s just a regular day.
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